Cited in LadyLux – 10 Words to Use if You Don’t Want to be Single Anymore
I was asked about the most effective words to use for attracting a mate online. Reviewing recent research conducted by eHarmony yielded some interesting results that made good relationship sense. Here are a few thoughts I shared about the best words to use in online dating.
Funny, outgoing, happy, spontaneous, passionate
Alicia Clark, a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert, reviewed research by eHarmony based on 12,000 successful dating profiles. She said her take on the results is that people are drawn to happiness and fun.
“Knowing that happiness consistently ranks as the factor most attractive to people, I was not surprised to see that for both genders, being funny is a plus. According to the Daily Mail analysis, funny was listed as the sixth most important work for both genders. Men are drawn to women who describe themselves as funny, outgoing, happy, spontaneous and passionate. There is a pattern here of wanting our mates to be fun, engaging and passionate. We want a relationship that is fun, and are drawn to people who describe themselves as happy and optimistic. Who doesn’t want to be happier, to be more optimistic, and have more fun?”
Hardworking and ambitious
“Our need for security is paramount, and we are clearly drawn to ambition as evidenced by the very high attractiveness for both genders of ambition. For men, hardworking was also in their top ten for women. And for women, intelligence was in their top ten descriptors for men. This is interesting, and squares with my experience that people are searching for relationships with people who can stand on their own two feet. This may be related to these financially uncertain times, and the worries many singles have about supporting themselves, let alone another, or a family. This may also have to do with a quality in a person that would convey energy, drive, and a desire for success, no doubt universally attractive attributes, and attributes we all want more of,” Clark said.
Sweet, thoughtful, easygoing
“Within each gender’s top three were words having to do with agreeableness, kindness, compassion, and thoughtfulness. For men, they were most drawn to women who described themselves as sweet, thoughtful, and easygoing, outranking physical fitness. For women, they were most drawn to men who described themselves as perceptive, warm, and thoughtful. These attributes are important in that they signal a partner’s ability to forge a successful relationship where each partner can feel connected, supported, and loved. Our desire for attachment and love are primitive human drives that are foundational to our search for a mate,” Clark said.
Words to avoid
The eHarmony study revealed that the 10 words women should avoid in their profile are the following:
- Good listener
Even though these seem like pleasant words to use, Clark said they also indicate the potential for an emotionally demanding partner. “We often seek in our partners aspects of ourselves we want more of. And more overtly, we all seek partnerships that will benefit us, not drain us. Not only is ambition a desirable quality on its own, but it is also the quintessential opposite of people’s most feared attribute of dependency, especially for men. Many singles fear a relationship where they feel burdened and tied down. Interestingly the study shows that among the 10 least successful words shared by both genders are: modest, respectful, and good listener. And while these attributes can be quite useful to a harmonious relationship, they may unwittingly signal a willingness to be dependent and burdensome.”